Best dancer of her generation, married to her choreographer. At the top of her game when polio left her paralysed from the waist down. I saw her interviewed, once, thirty years later? some retrospective.
[He chews on the back of his thumbnail, voice and focus decidedly flat.]
She said it took her ten years to decide not to kill herself. And then, she was okay.
[She really should have known, and she starts laughing at herself faintly, leaning over to rest her forehead on his shoulder.]
I know there's no point, you know. I heard what you said to Karl, weeks ago. It's all I really wanted, for a long time. Was for Barbet to care about me enough that he'd shoot me. He's not here. There's no point. But it's not like something better has come up. [She's kept her tone low and relatively even, and although Rex looks up at her curiously - (she's only shaking a little) - he doesn't react too much. She laughs again, darkly.] Hn. A couple of times, I thought maybe Blonde was good enough. I liked him. He promised he'd ash me if I didn't breathe. That was good enough.
[Get off, Rex. Spilling the dog into a furry puddle only half on his lap, Chase leans his head into Carla's, close enough to smell old traces of blood and sweat in her hair. Or maybe that's imagination, a confusion of the senses thrown up by the state of her skin. He reaches to pull her in a little more.]
You're a few months into it. You don't know what something better is yet.
[He catches his teeth against his lip, voice lowering to match hers, soft enough to be conspiratorial, although it's not. It's an admission.]
There's something to be said for an overprescription of morphine when there's nothing to be salvaged but a couple of weeks of pain. You're stuck here whatever I care enough to do, and you've got options. There's a chance something better might turn out to be more than a shot to the head.
[She makes an agitated sound, because she hates doing this and would rather claw it out than talk to him, but she doesn't have enough energy for that and maybe it's easier in the comfort of her own home. She had said a lot of things curled in Vic Vega's shoulder, here or in their bed or in their shower, that would never have crossed her lips on the other side of their threshold. She had told him, long before Chase had understood it for himself: I don't know who I am.]
You always were. Life isn't something people control. You're the underline to that point. You miss autonomy because you've decided to give it up. You're not looking for ways to live, you're looking for ways to die. Can't do that here? Zkuste něco jiného.
[And she hates herself for that, it's debilitating. It closes off everything else, even when she tries to think about 'ways to live' she thinks about bugs who deserve whatever comes to them in their helplessness. He had tried to explain that to her earlier. It hasn't penetrated.]
Maybe this place gives you the opportunity to change your mind.
[Maybe, if he knew how she lived when she felt in control, he'd be less encouraging. Even now this is less of a motivational speech than a laying out of options, none of them the one she's pining over. It's an option, but behind the door there's an empty room and an arrow pointing back to where she's come.
[She doesn't know about that. Even if she changes it, she still remembers what she's done. It was always the memory that was the worst, not the sleepless nights or the broken body. It wasn't even Barbet's rejection. It was her own begging and crying. She shudders. The woman she'd most like to be can't stand the creature she's been, and without her own inherent confidence, Carla will never get back to herself.
She doesn't know what this place is, all she can really say is,]
I don't want to go back.
[Which is one foot in to some door, whatever it is.]
[There's something like a nod at that, his cheek still set at a lean against the dark crown of her hair, too high for her to monitor his expression. But there's something like a nod, and his chest expands with a breath drawn in only to facilitate a sigh.
And at last, for all he's tried to unravel her for her own sake and his, a point of empathy.
[Her good arm is pressed between them, inhibiting her movement, so she doesn't really try besides turning her head slightly to be able to see out from under his chin, reticent with the thought that they are both ridiculous cowards.]
[And there aren't many doctors in the city whose work he's unfamiliar with, even the underground quacks. However down-low he keeps his work there, there's a necessary 'professional' recognition. Chiefly, Chase recognising that he's unimpressed.]
[That is not the point. Though he'll have to concede that her survival doesn't seem to be in any large part down to Carla herself, this is no barrier to snippiness.]
I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep, after I find out if they keep medical records.
[Karl's opinion of him isn't one he's likely to fret over. And she'll find no greys, though there's a streak at each temple where his dark gold fades to such pale platinum it could be prematurely white. The brush of her fingers is innately soothing - he rests an arm around her shoulder and leans in.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
Best dancer of her generation, married to her choreographer. At the top of her game when polio left her paralysed from the waist down. I saw her interviewed, once, thirty years later? some retrospective.
[He chews on the back of his thumbnail, voice and focus decidedly flat.]
She said it took her ten years to decide not to kill herself. And then, she was okay.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
I know there's no point, you know. I heard what you said to Karl, weeks ago. It's all I really wanted, for a long time. Was for Barbet to care about me enough that he'd shoot me. He's not here. There's no point. But it's not like something better has come up. [She's kept her tone low and relatively even, and although Rex looks up at her curiously - (she's only shaking a little) - he doesn't react too much. She laughs again, darkly.] Hn. A couple of times, I thought maybe Blonde was good enough. I liked him. He promised he'd ash me if I didn't breathe. That was good enough.
[And then someone's big mouth ruined that.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
You're a few months into it. You don't know what something better is yet.
[He catches his teeth against his lip, voice lowering to match hers, soft enough to be conspiratorial, although it's not. It's an admission.]
There's something to be said for an overprescription of morphine when there's nothing to be salvaged but a couple of weeks of pain. You're stuck here whatever I care enough to do, and you've got options. There's a chance something better might turn out to be more than a shot to the head.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
It's just a bigger cage. I'm still a fucking toy.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
You always were. Life isn't something people control. You're the underline to that point. You miss autonomy because you've decided to give it up. You're not looking for ways to live, you're looking for ways to die. Can't do that here? Zkuste něco jiného.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[And she hates herself for that, it's debilitating. It closes off everything else, even when she tries to think about 'ways to live' she thinks about bugs who deserve whatever comes to them in their helplessness. He had tried to explain that to her earlier. It hasn't penetrated.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[Maybe, if he knew how she lived when she felt in control, he'd be less encouraging. Even now this is less of a motivational speech than a laying out of options, none of them the one she's pining over. It's an option, but behind the door there's an empty room and an arrow pointing back to where she's come.
It's an option. One way to drive herself insane.]
Re: ☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
She doesn't know what this place is, all she can really say is,]
I don't want to go back.
[Which is one foot in to some door, whatever it is.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
And at last, for all he's tried to unravel her for her own sake and his, a point of empathy.
Something he won't argue with.]
Neither do I.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
I'm not taking up drinking.
[She will always have the worst sense of humor.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[It's a wit he usually appreciates.]
You're missing out on some painful mornings. [And he shifts, enough to turn his body in towards her.] And I'm cutting back.
[He's not, he's merely cultivating a less showy habit. But he still believes he could.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
You could just drink paint thinner.
[No, she's not going to lecture. He can drink himself sick, if he likes, just as long as he shows up to make an ass of himself now and then.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[Showing up, at least, doesn't appear to be an issue. A few more intentions slide as he tilts his chin up.]
Can you remember who you saw for the stitch up job?
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[It's an idle rebuke, fingers following the line of his throat when it's bared like that.]
And I don't. I called Karl, he carried me somewhere, they pumped me loopy with painkillers and he carried me home.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[And there aren't many doctors in the city whose work he's unfamiliar with, even the underground quacks. However down-low he keeps his work there, there's a necessary 'professional' recognition. Chiefly, Chase recognising that he's unimpressed.]
You called Karl.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[He pet her hair and didn't comment when she mumbled pathetic lonely things and clung to his hand like a schoolgirl.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
Of course. I've got him on speed dial for next time I'm bleeding out.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
Maybe you should, he's fast.
[She certainly would have bled out waiting for Chase.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[That is not the point. Though he'll have to concede that her survival doesn't seem to be in any large part down to Carla herself, this is no barrier to snippiness.]
Fine. I'll ask Karl.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
He's going to laugh at you, if you ask him like that.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[Karl's opinion of him isn't one he's likely to fret over. And she'll find no greys, though there's a streak at each temple where his dark gold fades to such pale platinum it could be prematurely white. The brush of her fingers is innately soothing - he rests an arm around her shoulder and leans in.]
Your first chance, and you missed it.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[She doesn't really sound all that opposed to the idea, maybe even a little haughty when she lifts her chin at him.]
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
[He's sure she's not opposed - certain she'd do it if only to prove a point, in fact. Just not a point which would go a long way to impressing him.]
I still don't want you in my OR. But I'd rather mine than someone else's.
☏ courtesies that i disguise in me
Only if you give up your offended little boy routine.