➹BEEPER

[intheblanks]

"It had better be an emergency."
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[intheblanks]

[He just shakes his head. It's a step for her, but he agrees with her usual assessment of things. It was just a curse. It's just that this one stung.]

I'm still not angry.

[synanthrope]

Good. Being angry wouldn't be very productive.

[She leans up, then, and kisses him on the mouth]

[intheblanks]

[And like yesterday he doesn't pull away but doesn't press in or eke out the contact quite the way he usually would. He's trying, though.]

Was there something you were hoping to produce?

[synanthrope]

Something.

[She just looks at him. It's hard to fool her - so much of her observations of the world are so completely based on objective measurements.]

You're not angry. But you're not right yet.

[intheblanks]

Mhm. [At least with her he doesn't even try to deny it - that would be a sign that things are worse than they are. He's always fine while falling apart.] Do you understand why?

[He brings up his hands, folding them across one knee. The top set of his knuckles are visibly bruised.]

[synanthrope]

Abstractly.

[She knows, in essence, in theory.]

I understand it, abstractly. But not viscerally.

[intheblanks]

Abstract's something. [He says it encouragingly.] Some feelings, the strong ones, linger after whatever caused them's long gone. Like bruises.

[synanthrope]

Do you want time alone?

[intheblanks]

[Kind of yes, avoidance is always the easy way. Kind of no. It's not a way that offers any comfort or resolution. And rationally, reasonably?]

No. That would just be punishing you for something I already said wasn't your fault.

[synanthrope]

I'm hardly so fragile that I can't handle your needs as well as my own.

[She's not moving, though]

If I ate him, would that help?

[Not...a joke....]

Although Stiles says he probably carries venereal diseases.

[intheblanks]

You can't eat him, you'd be eating a significant part of my childhood development.

[Though god help him, Saya, he's smiling. And he knows it's not a joke. The other part, though, that's brought up a weird memory.]

I told you Cameron always had this thing for House, right? So, there was this one time he... decided it would be best if we all thought he had neurosyphillis.

And I had to ask her if I should be worried.

[synanthrope]

[She considers that for a moment]

If I get a blood-borne disease, I'll know, and I'll burn the blood long before you could ever catch it.

[intheblanks]

[He curls his lip.]

Not the point I was going for.

[synanthrope]

Well the only other point is if I had sex with him, and I didn't.

[She doesn't seem bothered]

Unless you're asking if I had unsafe sex with House. I didn't do that, either.

[intheblanks]

[Well, Saya. Watch him wince so hard he has to hide his head in his hands. Bad idea bad idea why did he start on this.]

No. No. She- she wouldn't tell me. She never told me, if I had anything to be worried about. And I don't think I ever stopped worrying.

[And before she queries that, he spreads his fingers and peers between them at her.]

Not about the syphilis.

[synanthrope]

I've always been honest with you.

[Well, she's generally honest with everyone, but more importantly]

[intheblanks]

Except when curses take that honesty and throw it back in my face.

[I'll always have no emotions except the ones you give me. The only competition you have is my brother.

He'd felt less selfish when he didn't realise how much he wanted that to be true.

Look, if he'd ever figured out how to say he needs a hug this conversation could be a lot shorter.]

[synanthrope]

[She looks at him a long time, quiet, like she's puzzling something out then stands and puts her arms around him]

He asked me, if I had ever felt the way I did about him with anyone, I didn't lie. I told him no.

It wasn't the same, Robert. It will never be the same. But I won't lie to you. I don't understand what I felt for him anymore. It doesn't make sense.

[You make sense - which is strange, and different, because emotions aren't supposed to.]

[intheblanks]

[He only hesitates a second before wrapping his arms round her waist in turn, pulling her a little closer in. But let him torture himself a second more - better to do it out loud than keep it silent and circular.]

Was it better? [Every man knows never to ask this question. Every man. Especially one who spent three years feeling outdone by both his boss and a dead grad student.]

[synanthrope]

[Fortunately, despite that, he knows that no matter what she says it will be honest]

I don't really understand humiliation well, but I suppose, in a way, it was humiliating.

[Showing all those emotions, being soppy, feeling rejected, having him keep putting his lips on her face, it was humiliating, in a way, for her.]

At the time, it wasn't better. It was more distracting. Curses are always more distracting. If I were given a choice, I wouldn't take the feelings I had with him.

[intheblanks]

[And he considers that, his chin tucked in against her shoulder.]

I like distracting you. [Honest, if selfish.] But I'll always be here. As long as I have any choice. You can get your focus back, I won't slip away.

[synanthrope]

Yes, I know.

But you and I, we work well. You distract me when you know I can afford to be distracted.

[intheblanks]

[He's not sure he's so unselfish, but it's not something to fight over.]

Do you want me to hit him for you?

[synanthrope]

Do you want me to say yes?

[intheblanks]

[He wrinkles his nose.]

Only a little.